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Blessed with Nothingness.

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 05:49:05 GMT

Everything God has taught us and that Jesus has confirmed in his life clearly reveals a principle of Christianity I think we far too often misunderstand, limit, or disregard entirely:

God planted an element of sacrafice in us all. [It tends to make sense when you consider we were made in His image, that He would instill in us such a need to be self-sacraficing.] We are to give up ourselves in EVERY aspect. Take your upbringing, your opinions, your lifestyles, your temptations, your pride, and throw them away. God continually teaches to be less of ourselves and more of Him. To constantly be in a topsy-turvy balance of contradictions.

Then take Jesus' life and his ministry. If you claimed to be holy, he was quick to point out your flaws and sins; for the outcast, he gave them the miracles, his grace, his love. He encouraged those that had nothing to be proud of. In this way, he was always preaching this IMPOSSIBLE fine line - a thought process that was perfectly between cocky and humble; a lifestyle that was full of life [in Him] and also full of death [of yourself]; a heart that is both accepting of God, love, and grace, but also willing to sacrafice what you deem to be "earned" for the better of others. In this way, he was THE way, THE truth, and THE light - the perfect example that we can never fully accomplish, but always strive to attain. To be on any other side of this fine line is to need a kind of reassuring love or a blunt humbling experience.

I don't mean to get politcial on you, because I personally can't stand to think politically...

...wait. That in itself leaves something to be said. I hate politics because I have given up on politics. I've given up on politically molding the world. There will always be at least 3 sides to the story, each of which will [literally] fight to the death that they are moreso right than the other two. I find the whole situation of American politics to be -hopeless-. The word itself cries God, Jesus, salvation, evangelism, truth, and... well, hope. That's what we're all about - giving hope to the hopeless.

Anyways. Now that I've caught myself in that less-than-right way of seeing politics... I know many of you try not to get involved for the same reasons. But I encourage you to follow me through this.

Think of the people who have made the best of impacts on the world - Ghandi. Mother Teresa. Muhammad Ali. Jesus Christ. Martin Luther King, Jr. C.S. Lewis. They are the peacemakers, the revolutionaries, the activists. Some of these people have nothing to do with Christianity, others have nothing to do with politics, some aren't even Americans, but they all made HUGE impacts on American Christianity... or they should have.

I passionately believe that such a humble and sacraficial lifestyle is key in being Christlike. I mean, minus the whole "I'm the son of God" thing, these are ordinary people... not multi-millionaires that are largley influential by their position, status, or power. They are every day people, passionately living a lifestyle of a servant, of an activist. This in a nutshell is our calling - we aren't to expect riches and glamour by God's blessing, but a fulfillment of life. All of these people loved radically, not only in an everyday-smile-on-your-face love, but a revolutionary, life-changing, teaching sort of way. They didn't love in a way that moved too quickly to truly grasp. They didn't streak through history books throwing flowers and passing out religious tracts. They walked. They taught. They had people following them in their lifestyle, and they spread their philosophy of life and love. They made a difference. To this day, these people, their lives and love resonant in our society.

This is the Good News. To live a life like Christ is to change the world, regardless of status or money or power. To give 100% to love and to live passionately as a servant is to change EVERYTHING. This isn't a feel good message of encouragement to get you through the day. This is THE calling. The opportunity to become a Ghandi, a Mother Teresa, a revolutionary. Be an activist.

God's message to us is complicated. It's never black and white, in an interpretational sense. It's never clear cut or without a debate of some kind. But it is black and white in that God demands us to be both. To enlist in the struggle to find perfection where we are guaranteed that we won't find it - ourselves. It's a win - win situation. You cannot fail when you give it all to God.

Personally, I don't know what God has planned for me. I've been in college for over two years now and I still don't know what to do with my life. My majors have changed, my passions have changed, my life continues to be a struggle of contradictions, confusions, and walking by faith alone. Not to say this is always a noble path. Many times I've failed, I've quit, I've knowingly walked away from what I can only pray is the right path. But studying the people God has used, the message and calling He has asked of us..... all I know is I don't have much. But neither did anyone else that made a difference. Maybe it's denial or maybe it's relentless optimism. Either way I choose to see it as faith and perserverance. I don't know what God has planned for me this week, this semester, this year, or the next few years. I pray it continues to come at me at such confusion until He makes it 100% clear. I'll struggle the rest of my life for some clarification and guidance. I pray you're blessed with the same nothingness. The same freedom and [almost forced] reliance on God. Only when you have nothing but God can you become something amazing.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 02:42:53 GMT

I feel like God and I are in a universal chess match. I've lost a lot of pawns, and somewhere down the line we both stopped and just stared at each other. Now I don't know who's turn it is, where I should move, or even what game we're playing. Whatever it is, even if they're just pawns, I feel I'm running out of options, out of safe sacrifices. Every move I make - that I had previously put a lot of thought and faith into, seems to be the 'wrong' move. I feel like God is trying to teach me how to play, but rather than in words or strategy, He's rather just saying "nope... not that one"; "oops! sucks for you again, eh?"; "hahaha, ohhh Me, I can't even believe you moved that one!".

I need to be optimistic again. I need more faith. I need patience. I need help. I need a sign of progress. I need change. I need prayer.

To have confidence in anything going on in my life right now would be a plus, too.

What if...

Tue, 22 May 2007 07:42:47 GMT

... we prayed for the leaders of a subculture that is often lost? The same culture I mention time and time again in blogs and notes on Facebook. Those rejected by the world, by "Christians". Those that don't fit in, so they unite in their differences. Their weaknesses make them strong. Musical influences like Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson command leadership positions in a growing [and constantly rejected] society. Millions of teenagers are led by these people because they feel they understand what they're going through. Their lyrics preach to fight, to resist, to rebel, to unite with those like you - the rejected. Christ called us to save these people, but since many Christians don't like to hear things about saving these people, I propose we pray for the leaders. Pray for Trent Reznor. Pray for Marilyn Manson. Pray for all those that take advantage of the weaknesses of teens and are commanding an army. They are not to blame. We are. But we can at least start to fight back. We can at least START to acknowledge the people lost simply due to musical preference. Millions of souls are lost without a fight because Christians refuse to accept a style of music. I'm not asking you to buy the CDs or spread the good news of N.I.N. I'm asking you to understand what is appealing. Please note the flesh wrapped around their souls, much like your own, and look past whatever it is that freezes your heart to these people.

I am one of these people. I used to be. I still am. And now being a Christian, it's ridiculous the 'yellow tape' you have to go through to get a fellow Christian to consider saving people like me. People who are "out there"; who have been rejected by their community/school/church/etc. If it weren't for a few chosen people that taught me about unconditional love and God, I would still be one of these people. Without hope. Without your help.

Please acknowledge the people we are letting slip through our hands. We buy playgrounds for churches, expand our parking lots, bulldoze trees and parks to plant a holy flag we call a church... yet we all turn away when we hear of real people needing real help. Current members of your church don't need new swings, a bigger building, or a new youth wing. Millions need to hear the Good News. Not of your prestige and financial stability. To take away rejection, excommunication, judgement, and hatred, takes away 80% of the lyrics in Manson and NIN's music (which is aimed towards Christians, Christianity, and those who have been rejected by both). If we stop rejecting, stop being so judgemental, and start accepting more, we take away the power we've given these people.

Ugh. I have to stop mid-rant. I could go on all day. Pray for the leaders of these bands. Pray for today's Christians that refuse to see their own faults. Pray for me.

What if...

Sun, 20 May 2007 06:09:48 GMT

... Jesus never finished? ...MMMthatcameoutwrong. What I meeean is. Think about his life, what he did, what he preached. Everything was radical. People were completely different after witnessing his life. He preached to love your neighbors, to love your enemies; to accept the lowest of society; to not *necessarily* obey the laws of men, but rather of God's. What he said was life-changing and he said this to people who were blind of their own sin. The world was completely changed - a moral code was set.

My random thinking is, if he changed SOOO much within his life and exposed so much sin and deceit, are there things we do daily that are sinful that we miss completely? I mean, we can sit back and say "I'm a good person because I don't steal, lie, cheat, murder, etc" but those are all normal standards of what is good simply because Christ set that moral code. What if [and if you've followed me this far, this is the whole point of this blog] there were more sins that Jesus Christ would have addressed had he not died when he did? What if there were today a chapter in Luke or Matthew about the rejection of a sinner being a sin itself? What if Jesus would have encouraged his disciples to vary, to spread out in land, language, practice, behavior, social standing, music preference, clothing style, etc. in order to evangelise to a world full of variety? What if we held "accepting everyone" in the same regard as we do cheating, lying, murdering? What if there was so much more to his teaching, to the gospel? What if he was like, "Woah, who did Revelation? ... C'mon... claim it. You KNOW this is going to screw with people's minds... let's make this readable!"... lol. Would he though?

I think it's interesting to look back on one man's life and see how he affected the world. Our innate sense of right and wrong has been programmed by him. What if he wasn't done with our wiring?

Disclaimer: This blog is purely hypothetical, to think outside the box. I in no way am questioning God's plan or the sacrifice He made for our sins. Everything happened for a reason and it is for that that we are saved. ... but still, it never hurts to ask ourselves, what if?

Happy pondering. :]

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Thu, 17 May 2007 02:02:05 GMT

This song = me.

I gotsta gotsta get out of this funk. I get in bad moods like once every few months. I'm the happy guy, the funny guy, the guy that encourages everyone else to be happy... what happens when THAT guy gets stuck in a bad mood?

[alarm]
10 PM. Couldn't have come at a better time.

And I swear to God I will find myself in the end.

EDIT:
Sometimes I swear I'm two-faced. I hate this. I couldn't even finish the prayer.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Wed, 02 May 2007 23:54:49 GMT

I'm so tired of Christians claiming to be "set apart".

We are in the business of saving a world of non-believers, not saving ourselves. Christians today continue to shame the sinning while justifying their own actions. They vote for what they think is biblical. They elect Christians. They eat, sleep, and breathe Christianity - unless it conflicts with their vices and/or hobbies. They are so quick to point a finger, but you never hear from the same righteous leaders on Friday nights and Saturday mornings. Sins of the righteous will always be whispered.

Since when did the Bible call Christians to prove their own divinity? Since when did Christ tell us that we are to be our own spiritual attorneys - fighting for our own salvation by proving that we are relatively clean of the filth of this world? Since when did the argument "I'm being better than ________ is" constitute salvation?

If you are a true Christian, you live life with no regrets, no limits, no boundaries. If you are a true Christian, you are no longer required to prove anything at all. You are a new creature, constantly cleansed in the blood of Christ, constantly forgiven of sins past, present, and future. Why do you have to announce the rules to everyone? The law only applies to Christians [, ironically enough,] who no longer require any laws. We are to love the sinners. Let's change our strategy. Let's start fighting for them. Instead of trying to prove to ourselves, everyone else, and our god that we are somehow 'worthy' to be saved, let's try proving to ourselves that everyone is worthy of the same forgiveness we've been allowed. Open your minds to people, cultures, hobbies, etc. that you would normally reject for some reason or another. Rather than seeing flaws before you even shake their hands, try to find that that is in us all that is worthy of salvation.

We are all diluted souls. Originally perfectly created by a perfect Artist, we are diluted by flesh and the world we've been thrown down into. Look at each brother and sister (not in Christ, but on earth) with potential. We are all constantly sinning, so we are no better than non-Christians. They are sinners, we are sinners. We have simply been allowed forgiveness. We never earned that right. It was given to us. Why do we keep seeing sinners as sinners? In the big family reunion that is soon to come, we should be reminding those who have forgotten, that they are our brothers and sisters. Pointing fingers and claiming to be set apart will do nothing to fill empty seats around our Heavenly feast.

Bottom line: Christians. Stop saying you're "called to be set apart". Stop it. That's a bullshit cop-out. Don't claim to be set apart. Live your life for the same vile creatures wandering on this rock that we all are. We are no better and no worse. In a world that is constantly blaming and doing the blaming, you are not set apart. The only way to be set apart is to have a heart for those who are unsaved. To love literally everyone, unconditionally; to live for them; to put others before yourself. Don't ever quote a scripture to me saying you are called to be set apart.

Actions speak louder than words.
Your heart is mute.
Admit it and change it, or join the rest of the world.

Fight for the "real heathens". The rapists. The criminals. The homosexuals. The conservatives. Those who clap at church or play music instruments during praise and worship. Those who have other opinions than yours. These are the real enemy, right? Whoever it is to you, love them. Fight for their happiness. Put them before yourself. Then you will truly be set apart.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 15:48:07 GMT

Nine Inch Nails.

I'm a Christian, and I love Nine Inch Nails. I also really like Marilyn Manson. Some people ask how I can listen to their music - the music that mocks God, that spreads such blasphemy, even that promotes the anti-Christ.

The answer:

The reason why 90% of their listeners listen to their music is because they want to be socially deviant. Set aside (set apart? sound familiar?). They find strength in their weakness. In a subculture of cutters, poets, the depressed and supressed, the athiests, the unclean, the goths, and the punks, they are all normal to one another. They accept each other for being deviant - for being themselves. Cutter accepts cutter for being normal. Suicidal teens look around at a concert and see people just like them having fun, singing the same painfully powerful lyrics that get them through the week, and they connect.

The truth is, Marilyn Manson and N.I.N. love Christians. Why? Because Christians are notorious for labeling things they don't understand. They deny, reject, and ridicule the unknown. They set aside the unclean from the clean. And that's exactly what they want - the unclean. In their minds, "you keep your Christians, I'll unite my brothers and sisters who have hurt like I have". [Doesn't this seem backwards?] Now I will say, they have some pretty rough lyrics occasionally, to scare off the Christians, but Marilyn Manson proved an error in a song once and I'll never forget it:

In his song Disposable Teens (the title itself calls for the 'rejected' new culture of teens), there's a part that says:

"I wanna thank you mom, I wanna thank you dad
For bringing this fuckin' world to a bitter end,
I never really hated one true god
But the god of the people I hated."

YEEESSSSS!!! The truth surfaces! Muahahaha!! They hate US, not God! They hate the stereotype. The ones who judge, who condemn, who point hypocritical fingers, who make others' lives a living hell because of our own beliefs. WE are the ones turning people from God, not people like Marilyn Manson and N.I.N. On the contrary, THEY are the ones uniting and accepting society's rejected culture. WE are the ones who simply BLAME them for our own faults. "Nine Inch Nails are Satanists and if you listen to them you're going to hell!" Christians turn their back; N.I.N.'s CD sales go up. Coincidence? I think not.

DUBYA TEE EFF MATE?! Aren't we the ones taught to reach out to these people? Aren't we the ones taught to have unconditional love? The truth is, we are no match for our past, for our stereotypes, and for the BEAUTIFUL UNITY of the listeners to this genre of music. They have a bond that surpasses legalistic, empty-hearted, traditional standards that we've been held within the realms of. We are no match for the progress music has made on teens. We are no match for the disguised love that music like this preaches.

Something is radically wrong when an entire culture in today's society that is growing exponentially is being overlooked and dismissed because of musical preference.

We're missing something.

We're at fault here.

There is a way to reach these people.

Let's find it, shall we?

Another song from Nine Inch Nail's newest CD Year Zero, called "God Given". Look past that which is unsettling. I want to gather Christians and strap them down to theater seating, tape their eyes open, and make them hear this. This is our weakness. This is their strength. Don't run away.

Hey man, please don't make a sound
Take a look around, can't you see what's right in front of you
Have a little taste, no more time to waste
You don't wanna get left behind cause it's all coming down right now

How hard is it to see
Put your faith in me
I sure wouldn't want to be
Chained to the wrong piece of wood
You should get where you belong
Everything you know is wrong
Come on, sing along, everybody now

God given

And it gives us sight
And you'll see the light
And it burns so bright
Now we know we're right
When his kingdom comes
And thy will be done
We've just begun
We're the chosen ones

I would never tell you anything
That wasn't absolutely true
That hadn't come right from His mouth
And He wants me to tell you

Wait, step into the light
How can this be right?
I'm afraid we're gonna ask you to leave
This you cannot win
With the color of your skin
You won't be getting into the Promised Land
It's just another case
You people still don't know your place
Step aside, out the way, wipe that look off your face
Cause we are the devine separated from the swine

Come on, sing along, everybody now
God given

And it gives us sight
And you'll see the light
And it burns so bright
Now we know we're right
When his kingdom comes
And thy will be done
We have just begun
We're the chosen ones

I would never tell you anything
That wasn't absolutely true
That hadn't come right from His mouth
And He wants me to tell you

God Given

This is not a mockery of God or Christ. This is a mockery of today's Christians. This is a mockery of you and I. Take it. Swallow it. Come to terms with it. It's not going away, and it's only making the enemy stronger. The first step is admitting to our stereotypes - the superiority complex, the judging, the hypocricy. Let's change them, yes?

Our right to be asses is not a God-given right. All those stereotypes and conditions are taught to us by today's society, even by our friends and family. Let's change that, yes?

Haha. Contrary to what you may think a Christian should or shouldn't promote, I'm going to finish this by saying, the new N.I.N. CD is amaaazing. I suggest you go buy it. Honestly, I'm brutal and harsh to close-minded Christians, granted, but I do it out of love. There is no place for traditional Christians in today's society. There is no place in the hearts of the unclean for fire and brimstone.

Learn to accept a culture other than your own. A musical style different than your current collection. Go goth for a day. Write a poem about suicide. Let your Biblical art take a breather and use blacks, dark blues, and purples one day. Break free of your Christian bubble (the air is cleaner out here, anyway). Venture on the other side. Take a journey down the path of the unclean for a minute. Whether you choose to admit it or not, we're all on the same path. Some are just more honest than others.

I poke and prod to spark controversy. I beg you to argue. I beg you to agree. Let's talk about this. What's the solution to this problem?

Friday, April 27, 2007

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 06:08:54 GMT

I just want to publicly apologize. Apologize for having good taste. Apologize for having good luck. Apologize for having God's help.

Because... let's face it... I have the best girl in the world.

Yeah. I know, I know. Here's a tissue. But it's true. It's something you're all going to have to deal with. She's amazing, and by some luck she loves me. So I'm sorry for stealing her away from you, World. But she's mine. And I intend on being selfish with her. Your loss.

Sincerely,

In Love.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 10:59:09 GMT

So I've discovered that I'm a jealous person. I wasn't always. Just... since my ex-girlfriend. Horrible experience. Not going to go there. Since then, I'm jealous. It's like jealousy is an STD and oop!... IIII got it. Bad. I don't want it. But every subconscious thought, every little thing she does, every phone call she gets, message I see her type, text she receives, new name I haven't heard before... I'm jealous. I creatively elaborate these events in my head - the text is from her future boyfriend at OBU; the phone call is from a friend that is trying to pull her closer to them (and farther from me) without her knowing it; the messages she sends are the beginnings of a solid friendship that will bloom into something more - something better than I can give her. These thoughts plague my mind CONSTANTLY. I hate it.

I'm absolutely crazy about her. I'm in love with her. ... And that's not something I just say. I've been in a few relationships - an eight month relationship here, a nine month relationship there, but never have I said I was in love. Never have I said or implied that I wanted to marry them. It's been just passed five months now. I want to marry her. I want to raise a family with her, I want to live with her, I want to be with her all of the time. She's the best thing in my life, and I'm terrified of it not working out. I'm terrified of her finding someone better than me while she's 200 miles away. We both feel strongly for each other. We've both said we've wanted marriage, but marriage at 20 and 18 isn't exactly how we had it in mind. We're still young. So I know she says she's in love with me, but love CAN be overcome. By what? A greater love. I'm afraid of her finding a better love out there. And the worst part is, she's not one for pick-up lines and smooth, cocky guys. She's one for friendships and solid relationships. I'm not worried about a one-liner that thinks he's the shits, I'm worried about a good, Christian guy, walking her to class or helping her carry books one day. Gah! I could care less about the popular guys. She sees through them. I'm afraid of the real guys. Wise people know that the biggest events in life don't come at once. They're all gradual, small seemingly insignificant moments. Moments liiike, I dunno.... leading a praise song together... meeting up at Starbucks after class to talk about religious views... meeting new people through Facebook and finding out they're in your class. These are the events that lead to relationships. These are the things you have no control over. She sees the best in everyone, and she brings it out. The quiet, shy guy that has no dating potential at all, but is a good person is gold to her because she knows people's hearts. She knows people. She can see all of the good in them and be oblivious to the bad. And when it comes to a beautiful new freshman, it seems EVERYONE has something in common with her.

I told her I think I'm going to design a whole wardrobe for her. All of the clothing is going to say "TAKEN!" in various patterns and colors. Either that or clothing with subliminal messages on the front like "NICE TOmyboyfriendwillkillyouforevenlookingatmeMEET YOU!" ... ... you know, something subtle. I know I'm being ridiculous and I'm being overprotective, but this is like seeing my wife (not a girlfriend or an ideal candidate for a future spouse... like... my already made the commitment, waiting for babies to pop out WIFE) go off to another state to go to college. She's about to be fresh meat to every guy she sees. Every jock will find a deeper, Christian side in him; every musician will be in the gym just workin' on his fitness; every undetermined major will be 'inspired' to become a youth minister with emphasis on missionary work. People will change and lie and become new and better people just to be able to talk to her. Seniors will become seven year graduates just so they can be with her longer. I don't think you quite understand. This girl is IT. And until I can put a ring on her finger, my heart will continue to race, my mind will probably win the race, running with three or four competitors at a time - conscious and subconscious thoughts, worrying about her, who is she talking to?, will they become friends?, we became friends online... does she remember that?, does she really want to be married to me?, does she feel the same way I feel? Dude. My mind could do an Iron Man Marathon without breaking a sweat. It might do a couple of them as warm-ups before tackling Mt. Everest or something. It. is. TRAINED. I have been going non-stop for a long time now and it's not slowing down.

She is everything to me. I mean EVERYTHING. She is my number one priority. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, and on good nights I can even fit her in between those times. I think about her all of the time. She's improved my life, my responsibility, my desire to succeed, my involvement; she has encouraged my passions, listened to my rants, and somehow in some twilight zone of a rule, in return I can call her my girlfriend. She is everything good in my life, and as of late is everything good in me.

And every phone call.
Every wandering glance.
Every message.
Every new name.
Every text, seems to threaten us.

I wasn't always a jealous person. But when it comes to threatening my life, my future, my happiness... I've never before felt such fear, hatred, and weakness. Love is a humbling process. I will say this though, if it takes years of pain and uncertainty to put a ring on her finger, I'll do it. I don't mind what happens between point A [now] to point B [future]... only that point B = Melissa Kate being my wife. I'm confident that my life will be everything I've childishly dreamed of if I am with her.

[Prayers are welcome... please.]

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 10:18:30 GMT

...

Oh yeah.

I'm back.

I've had so much going on lately, I've needed a place to vent. And alas - old, nerdy, out-'fad'ed Xanga is there for me. So heeeere goes!

Guilt is a beautiful artist.

Everyone associates guilt with negative connotation, but I realized today in a stoner's thought, that guilt is a beautiful beautiful thing. Guilt has made me the man I am today (for those of you who don't know me, allow me to flatter myself and say this is at the least a fairly good thing). Let's go back, shall we?...

I was thinking tonight on the drive home about my life. If I were to tell someone all aspects of my life, how would I start; where would I start; what would I say; what would I wear?... I found myself mostly influenced by my sister.

My sister is two years older than me [about to be 22], was born with spina bifida [long story short, during birth her spine was forced into her skull cutting off circulation which began to slowly deteriorate her nerves/muscles/body], she has been restricted to a wheelchair [never walked on her own in her life], and has had over 30 surgeries to date [around 10 of which during her first week of life]. {[(wow. that was a run-on sentence in a bad disguise... it's like an alter personality was trying to finish my sentences... or like when twins try to tell the same story at the same time... and it's still coninuing...)]}. She hasn't taught me much of anything directly, of course, but growing up with her has taught me everything.

I've learned how a real family works; I've learned how a family overcomes anything; I've learned how a mother can be the backbone and unity of a family; I've learned how a father can support and somehow create laughter in the most inappropriate times; I've learned how the world views handicapped people; I've learned how the world SHOULD view handicapped people; I've learned how to read the true hearts of people - whether it be their support, their charity, their service, their advice, their love - all either comes with a price or is given freely; I've learned how to love unconditionally; I've learned the importance of service to those who cannot offer anything in return; I've learned how to have a relationship with God; I've learned how to pray; I've learned how to accept "no"; ... the list goes on and on.

I never went outside when I was little to play with our neighbors' kids. They would have little pools out, sprinklers on, and water guns fully loaded for a typical hot summer day, and all I could think about was 'if she can't run and have fun, should you?'. So I declined. I stayed inside. Woaaah, woah woah. Don't get all sappy on me. Don't think I'm paying these violinists here to bring you to tears... I love that I did that in the long run. I stayed inside, learned to draw and write and read at an early age. Found some passions that would last a lifetime. So don't get me wrong, I'm not sad. The key here is, Guilt. Guilt made me stay inside. Guilt made me never learn how to ride a bike, to never learn how to skate, to never go to amusement parks. GUILT STOLE MY CHILDHOOD! Haha. Jay kay. But I really did feel bad. I never went out too much. If my friends came over too often, I would back off of them for a while. I would realize my sister would start trying to get involved with all of us playing games and I realized she had no friends of her own to invite over. When it comes to choosing friends or family, the choice is simple. So I would stay home. Again, don't feel bad. I probably spent the majority of the time I spent at home bugging her and bothering her and doing typical brother stuff... but I would rather be home with nothing better to do than bug her, than to go out with Guilt and have a good time.

Guilt has made me pray to change places with my sister, and consequently, forced me to accept God's "no's". Guilt has made me hold myself accountable when no one else would know the difference. Guilt has brought me closer to God. Guilt has made me humble. Guilt has made me honest. Guilt has made me change my ways and promise to never turn back. Guilt has made me be open and honest with everyone, which has made some very strong friendships... and ruined a few others. Guilt has made me expect more of people and of today's society. If I feel this pain, this responsibility, then you do, too. If I see this, then you do, too. ... at least... you did once. People have blocked Guilt. "Guilt is bad! Wah wah wah. Guilt is to blame for all of our problems, so I'll just drink until I can't feel Guilt again!" (or until I regain consciousness). Guilt is your best friend, you just don't know it. Guilt was instilled in all of us for a reason - to say 'this is wrong, do something about it'. If everyone would just listen to Guilt and not shut it out, you would find Guilt's not such a bad dude. He's just looking out for you.

And that's my stoner rant. Soon to be followed by... another rant/update.